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I am Graalnak of the Vroon Empire, Destroyer of Galaxies, Supreme Overlord of the Planet Earth. Ask Me Anything.

Graalnak
By Dario Bijelac

PEOPLE OF EARTH: I AM GRAALNAK OF THE VROON EMPIRE, CONQUEROR OF WORLDS, DESTROYER OF ALL WHO OPPOSE ME, AND YOUR SUPREME AND BENEVOLENT OVERLORD. FOR THE NEXT SIXTY OF YOUR EARTH-MINUTES YOU MAY ASK ME ANY QUESTION WITHOUT FEAR OF RETRIBUTION.

– Posted by graalnak 1 year ago

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[ Display options: top-rated comments only, chronological order]

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tadthederailer, 1 year ago: Seriously? No way this is Graalnak. He doesn’t even answer questions in his own press conferences.

verbosiraptor, 1 year ago: The rules are clear: prove you’re Graalnak or we’ll delete this thread.

graalnak, 1 year ago: YOUR RULES DO NOT APPLY TO ME.

verbosiraptor, 1 year ago: It’s right there on the sidebar. No exceptions.

[237 more replies]

fleep, 1 year ago: Greetings! I am Fleep, Gralnaak’s communications secretary. I present to you this photograph of Graalnak holding a sign with the message “YOUR RULES DO NOT APPLY TO ME, REDDIT” written in the blood of the human intern who suggested this compromise.

[39 more replies]

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deliciouskoolaid, 1 year ago: Would you rather fight 100 duck-sized horses or one horse-sized duck?

graalnak, 1 year ago: I WOULD FORCE THE TINY HORSES AND THE GIANT DUCK TO FIGHT EACH OTHER. I WOULD SLAUGHTER THE SURVIVORS, EAT THEIR LIVERS AND HAVE THE REST GROUND UP AND USED AS RADISH FERTILIZER.

[358 more replies]

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deliciouskoolaid, 1 year ago: What is it with you guys and radishes?

graalnak, 1 year ago: RADISHES ARE DELICIOUS.

ordinaryhuman, 1 year ago: Why have you allowed these Earth-radishes to distract you from your primary mission on this planet?

graalnak, 1 year ago: KLEEPTOR IS THAT YOU?

ordinaryhuman, 1 year ago: No I am an ordinary human as my profile clearly indicates.

[87 more replies]

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dishslinger, 1 year ago:Last week four Vroons came into the restaurant where I work. They had a five-course dinner: radish rosettes, radishpacho, radish salad, sauteed liver and radish leaves, radish sorbet for dessert. The bill came to $197.28. They left $200. That’s a $2.72 tip. It should have been at least $40. Can you please tell your people to start tipping appropriately?

graalnak, 1 year ago: TIPPING IS OPTIONAL. YOU SHOULD BE GRATEFUL FOR THE $2.72.

ordinaryhuman, 1 year ago: Graalnak is correct no one gives me extra money just for doing my job.

tadthederailer, 1 year ago: Wait, is that $197.28 including tax? A standard tip used to be 15% on the pre-tax amount. Now you want 20% on everything?

[1398 more replies]

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ordinaryhuman, 1 year ago: When are you going to begin construction on the plasma weapon factories?

graalnak, 1 year ago: STOP NAGGING ME, KLEEPTOR. I WILL GET TO IT. PROBABLY AFTER RADISH GROWING SEASON.

ordinaryhuman, 1 year ago: I am not nagging. It is a legitimate question.

ordinaryhuman, 1 year ago: Also I am not Kleeptor.

[93 more replies]

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deliciouskoolaid, 1 year ago: I’d love to join your internship program! How can I qualify?

dishslinger, 1 year ago: Are your interns paid?

burner2600, 1 year ago: Do interns get the schematics for those plasma weapon factories?

graalnak, 1 year ago: YOU WILL NEED A STRONG WORK ETHIC AND A HIGH TOLERANCE FOR PHYSICAL PAIN. YOU WILL RECEIVE VALUABLE WORK EXPERIENCE, AND ALL THE PARTIALLY-DIGESTED RADISH STEMS YOU CAN EAT.

[56 more replies]

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burner2600, 1 year ago: Is there any substance fatal to Vroons and harmless to humans?

graalnak, 1 year ago: YES. WATER.

burner2600, 1 year ago: Really?
graalnak, 1 year ago: NO YOU IDIOT RADISHES ARE 92 PERCENT WATER.

[132 more replies]

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deliciouskoolaid, 1 year ago: How many Vroons does it take to change a lightbulb?

graalnak, 1 year ago: NONE. OUR TECHNOLOGY HAS ADVANCED FAR BEYOND THE NEED FOR LIGHT BULBS.

dishslinger, 1 year ago: None, they’ll just make some human do it for substandard wages.

burner2600, 1 year ago: One to set the lightbulb-changing quotas and a thousand to punish every human who comes up short.

ordinaryhuman, 1 year ago: None, I will just sit on this pile of radishes in the dark.

[93 more replies]

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ordinaryhuman, 1 year ago: What do you expect the Vroon warships to do when they reach the Praxadoolean defense fleet? Throw radishes at them?

graalnak, 1 year ago: SHUT UP, KLEEPTOR.
[17 more replies]

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deliciouskoolaid, 1 year ago: Is it true that Vroon ships visited the Earth 150 years ago?

 

burner2600, 1 year ago: Oh, not this again.

tadthederailer, 1 year ago: Not what again?
burner2600, 1 year ago: Just a stupid urban legend.

deliciouskoolaid, 1 year ago: There are newspaper clippings from all over the world. A typical article describes “a large and bellicose individual with skin resembling the peel of a lime and an astonishing number of teeth” visiting farmers and insulting them. The details vary, but they’re all pretty similar.

ordinaryhuman, 1 year ago: That sounds like one of us.
ordinaryhuman, 1 year ago: I mean them. One of them.

graalnak, 1 year ago: YOU ARE NOT FOOLING ANYONE, KLEEPTOR.

burner2600, 1 year ago: The way the story goes, the visitor would order the farmer to bring him his best radish. Then he’d take a bite, spit it out, and leave.

ordinaryhuman, 1 year ago: No Vroon would spit out a radish.
deliciouskoolaid, 1 year ago: The reports all say he complained they weren’t radish-y enough. Something about tasting like sawdust compared to Dalgoxean hyper-radishes.

graalnak, 1 year ago: HYPER-RADISHES? I DEMAND YOU TELL ME THE LOCATION OF THESE HYPER-RADISHES IMMEDIATELY.

deliciouskoolaid, 1 year ago: They were from Dalgox-5, or Daglox-5, or something. I think it’s a planet.

graalnak, 1 year ago: TALGOX-5?

deliciouskoolaid, 1 year ago: Maybe.

graalnak, 1 year ago: I HAVE IMPORTANT BUSINESS TO ATTEND TO. THIS QUESTION PERIOD IS OVER.

[326 more replies]

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deliciouskoolaid, 11 months ago: Wow. I can’t believe that worked.

[537 more replies]

* * *

Related thread, posted 14 minutes ago by deliciouskoolaid:

I’m deliciouskoolaid (aka burner2600). One year ago today I started a rumor and saved the world. Ask me anything.

 

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19 comments
gregmachlin
gregmachlin

This is one of the two best SFF stories I've read this year. Fantastic. I loved it. Very Douglas Adams, and perfect use of Reddit's ama to still tell a complete story.

Konstantinos Kalofonos
Konstantinos Kalofonos

I actually created an account on here JUST to reply to your story.  I laughed as hard reading your piece here as I did during Douglas Adams' books.  I have only ever laughed out loud reading Adams and Pratchett, and now your piece.  Thank you so much!

bigmouthblog
bigmouthblog

Are you really Graalnak of the Vroon Empire, Destroyer of Galaxies, Supreme Overlord of the Planet Earth?

Really?

You?

Leximize
Leximize

Poignantly great mechanism. Thanks for saving the world.

Leximize
Leximize

I would enjoy reading more of this storyline...

theresa
theresa

Also, you hit the nail on the head with the number of side comments about tipping. Ha!

theresa
theresa

Have you noticed how eloquent Graalnak is for a creature who subsists on radishes and livers?

JRBrillianton
JRBrillianton

Absolutely hilarious and wickedly clever! By the way, I also like radishes.

DaleShort
DaleShort

What a hoot! Extremely original and funny...and a great sendup of online message boards, to boot.

Trackbacks

  1. […] I hope you’re all as excited about this as I am. If not, you can always check out a story I wrote that went live on Flash Fiction Online today. […]

  2. […] honored by never being eaten * Chard (probably) * A big hole courtesy of a squirrel, or possibly a Vroon * The remnants of the radishes * Spinach (probably) * Lettuce (the actual lettuce patch, not the […]

  3. […] communication with a short lag time. See “Wikihistory” by Desmond Warzel or “I am Graalnak of the Vroon Empire” by Laura […]

  4. […] “I am Graalnak of the Vroon Empire, Destroyer of Galaxies, Supreme Overlord of the Planet Earth. Ask …” by Laura Pearlman (Flash Fiction Online) […]

  5. […] Here’s a great one for that. […]

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