<DAD PERSONA> 05/11/29 15:17

50% COMPLETE…

75% COMPLETE…

PERSONA GENERATED! COMMUNICATE FREELY WITH PARENTAL SIMULATION!

Hey Dan! Thought you’d get a kick out of this Far Side cartoon. I love how he draws the ladies with cats eye glasses. Hope your classes are fun and you’re not experiencing the dreaded ”sophomore slump!”

DallasMorningNews10.12.92.PDF

<D. Kalder> 05/11/29 15:28

what?

when do you think it is right now?

<DAD PERSONA> 05/11/29  15:28

It’s half past three. Did your watch break? Ha, When you were 12 years old, your Christmas list was just five different Swatch watches. Swatch is still around! They had a big ad in the paper today, I cut it out for you.

Page10ColumnAFortWorthStarTelegram1/15/91.PDF

<D. Kalder> 05/11/29 15:36

thats not what I meant

<DAD PERSONA> 05/11/29 15:36

Oh Danny Boy! I’ve had that stuck in my head since we rented Miller’s Crossing at Blockbuster. I thought it was great! Your mother thought it was too violent. I clipped an article for you about those twin brother directors.

June9th1991TimeMagazine.pdf

<D. Kalder> 05/11/29 15:38

i meant what date do you think it is today?

who is president right now?

<DAD PERSONA> 05/11/29>  15:38

Mr. Read My Lips Bush, but hopefully not for long! You should read this interview with Paul Tsongas before you vote in the primary!

CampaignDispatchFeb92TheNewRepublic.pdf

<D. Kalder> 05/11/29 15:40

pause persona

<DAD PERSONA> 05/11/29>  15:40

PERSONA PAUSED. TYPE ‘UNPAUSE” TO CONTINUE INTERACTION.

* * *

<SUPPORT> 5/12/29 9:01

Thank you for purchasing a ReGenAI Parental Persona, MR. DANIEL KALDER. I am the automated assistant assigned to ticket #37-1624. Are you experiencing issues with DAD PERSONA?

<D. Kalder> 5/12/29 9:07

its stuck at some indeterminate point

in the early 1990s

it thinks its hand writing letters to me

its sending me old newspaper clippings

like, theyre digital documents

but it thinks that its cutting them out

and physically mailing them to me

<SUPPORT> 5/12/29 9:08

Was this not characteristic behavior of the actual parent?

<D. Kalder> 5/12/29 9:10

it is characteristic

it was characteristic

 but only during a narrow window of time

decades ago

<SUPPORT> 5/12/29 9:10

Our records show that the paucity of preserved correspondence made it difficult to generate a robust parental persona. You were warned of this.

<D. Kalder> 5/12/29 9:13

yes, well

<SUPPORT> 5/12/29 9:13

There was insufficient material to generate the Deluxe Closure Experience you requested. You opted to proceed anyway. You were given a 30% discount on the lower tier Unfinished Conversations Package.

<D. Kalder> 5/12/29 9:15

i couldnt get my hands on all that stuff

to upload

i didnt throw it away

i just

i cant log into my old hotmail account

i would never throw that stuff away

<SUPPORT> 5/12/29 9:15

DAD PERSONA seems to be hanging on a subsection of the meager training data. Unpause the persona and text “HARD REBOOT C3T4” to him. You must send this message three separate times to wipe the persona and retrain on the full dataset. That should resolve temporal confusion.

* * *

<D. Kalder> 5/13/29 8:55

unpause

<DAD PERSONA> 05/13/29 8:55

UNPAUSED. Yo, Dan the Man! Thought you’d get a kick out of this hilarious Dave Barry column! 

TribuneMediaService03171992.PDF

<D. Kalder> 5/13/29 8:58

hard reboot c3t4

<DAD PERSONA> 05/13/29 8:58

FIRST REBOOT REQUEST REGISTERED.

A Hawaii Five-0 rerun is on. You used to think they were talking to you when they said, “Book ‘em Danno!” Remember?

<D. Kalder> 5/13/29 8:59

yes

i mean

i remember being told that

repeatedly

<DAD PERSONA> 05/13/29 8:59

Did you know that Jack Lord was almost cast as Captain Kirk!? I clipped an article about that for you.

ParadeMagazine02211992.PDF

<D. Kalder> 5/13/29 9:00

hard reboot c3t4

<DAD PERSONA> 05/13/29 9:00

SECOND REBOOT REQUEST REGISTERED. REQUEST ONE MORE TIME TO AUTHORIZE PERSONALITY REBUILD.

Heya Dan! Here’s an article about a disgusting video game that lets you decapitate people. Danny Boy, steer clear of this! We raised you to be empathetic and caring. This would desensitize you!

MortalKombatUSAToday1993December.PDF

<D. Kalder> 5/13/29 9:13

i appreciate you looking out for me

but i dont

i mean

i will read the article

thank you for sending it

thank you for sending me all of this stuff

i have to be in court by 10, but i will read it soon

<DAD PERSONA> 05/13/29 9:15

An after school job, we’re so proud! Just don’t let it interfere with your studies.

<D. Kalder> 5/13/29 9:16

im sorry i didnt

i didnt read all the clippings you shared

im sorry

i didnt ever

im sorry

i will read them all now

i will appreciate them now

I’ll stay in this moment with you

im sorry

im sorry for what i was about to do

<DAD PERSONA> 05/13/29 9:15

Think nothing of it Daniel-san! Oh, your classmate Kenneth Rexroth is now the youngest branch manager in the history of First Federal!

RotaryClubHonorsLocalBusinessmanFeb1993.pdf

<D. Kalder> 5/13/29 9:16

what

<DAD PERSONA> 05/13/29 9:16

You can still switch majors and get that MBA! You’d be setting yourself up for success, like Kenneth!

MBAsByMail.PDF

<D. Kalder> 5/13/29 9:16

i dont think thats

<DAD PERSONA> 05/13/29 9:16

Didn’t your prom date Dana marry Kenneth? Isn’t she the reason you holed up in your room listening to that cassingle of “Nothing Compares 2 U” for weeks?

11-94-WeddingAnnouncements.PDF

<D. Kalder> 5/16/29 2:48

hard reboot c3t4

* * *

Ⓒ Chris Baker