Perfect Vaca, No Filter

Sapphire Bay Resort

Four-star hotel

1,643 reviews

#3/563 hotels in Sapphire Island

BoutiqueHotel review: Two stars

Disappointing

They advertised as a bespoke luxury hotel to get away from the chaos of the cities, but the nighttime turn-down experience was unsettling. The towels they folded were SWANS! Can you imagine how disappointing this was to my toddler? In Fiji last summer, they folded us an octopus family and a Bugatti! Also, the sun was blocked by the pool for half the afternoon by big lurking shapes in the sky.

Response from the owner:

Thank you for your review. However, you did tell us you loved the complimentary mille-feuilles cake for your son’s birthday and you took a photo with our chef. We would be happy to accommodate your request to fold other towel-animals. We hope the sun shines on your next vacation and wish you all the best.

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BoutiqueHotel review: One star

Filthy. BEDBUGS!

Our deep-soak jacuzzi tub had a ladybug in it. AN ACTUAL BEDBUG. Enough said.

Response from the owner:

Thanks for the comment. Our custodian has a PhD in elementary education focusing on entomology. She removed the ladybug and set it free outside. Rest assured, ladybugs are neither predatory nor vectors of disease, and are NOT BEDBUGS. Reminder: Earth needs more insects because the food chain is collapsing, and there’s a global famine because of the heat wave. Remember, an actual world exists outside of your vacation. Safe travels!

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BoutiqueHotel review: One and a half stars

Boring 

On the website it says it would be FUN ALL THE TIME and be the best vacation we ever had. Our kids were bored and didn’t like the healthy food at the Kids’ Zone!

Response from the owner:

Noted. Our child-care service is run by a former professor of elementary education and certified nutritionist. We explicitly discouraged bringing screens into the kiddie pool, and we called you as soon as your five-year-old dropped his iPad into the water. The healthy food you speak of is our standard pesto chicken, side of buttered noodles, and devil’s food cake with homemade vanilla gelato. Our staff subsists on the leftovers of our guests, and our cholesterol is through the roof. What are you used to eating at home? Foie gras milkshakes? Namaste.

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BoutiqueHotel review: Zero stars

ALIENS WERE HERE

When the aliens landed, they didn’t defend us at all.  We were running around screaming and I tried to use the pool boy as a human shield. He elbowed me in the stomach and yelled, “I’m not dying for some bougie ass!” I. Have. Never. Been so insulted! And then the aliens kept saying, “Please respond with the Fibonacci sequence to ten integers, if you are indeed intelligent life. You may use your fingers to represent numbers.” I didn’t know how to speak alien and the monster kept rolling his eyes and said to his friend, “I told you there’s no intelligent life here!”  My husband said they were talking about the whole planet but the alien kept looking at me!

Response from the owner:

We were as shocked by the alien invasion as you were. Our staff are not intended to be used as human shields, although we do cater to every other one of your frivolous preferences, such as providing filtered water for your bath, pre-cutting your Kobe beef at dinner, and refilling your margaritas by the poolside when you are no longer able to stand due to inebriation and sunstroke.

That said, this is the first time that planet Earth, much less Sapphire Bay, has been invaded by extraplanetary lifeforms. The fact that you deterred the aliens from further communication with our species due to the interaction between you and the pool boy speaks volumes as to their opinion of your intellect.

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BoutiqueHotel review: One star

PHOTOS ARE A LIE

Don’t get catfished by the pictures. They post beautiful infinity pools against a glorious sunset. They did not tell us the alien invasion was here! The pools were drained of any water and alien adolescents were playing catch with the bosu balls at the gym! I couldn’t get a hot tub soak OR a workout and I’m trying to lose ten pounds before my wedding!

Response from the owner:

This is the First Contact in human history, and all major news outlets have been broadcasting its arrival. We are not responsible for your lack of awareness of current events. Due to the hundred-and-thirty-degree heat, all the pool water has evaporated, but so has the Mediterranean Sea, so is it any surprise that your picturesque photos have been ruined? Who’s looking at your socials these days anyway when the whole world is ending? Are you seriously trying to make someone jealous with your vaca pics at a time like this?

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BoutiqueHotel review: Five stars

Decadent, isolated paradise!

*translated from the Erkzion language*

Wonderful spa hotel, top-notch staff. At first, we had to get rid of the lower-echelon homo sapiens. Apparently, there is a phenomenon where the social hierarchy is upside-down on Earth. Once we flambéd the hotel guests, we were able to communicate with the staff. They are very knowledgeable about the history of the area, flora and fauna, the art of towel-origami and even the local insects! My daughter UeiBnkq was fascinated when the housekeeper showed us a rare praying mantis in the shower.

Response from the owner:

Thank you for your lovely review. We at Sapphire Bayside Resort pride ourselves on customer service and are pleased at the recent turn of worldly events that allow us to be treated, for once, like human beings. This is a new experience for us, and we are grateful for your compassion and the donation of your millions of gallons of potable water from Planet Erkzion. We welcome all extraplanetary guests and if you book now for the holiday weekend, you’ll get the third night free!

Please let us know what shapes you prefer your towels to be folded into.